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Jokes
Jul 25, 2006 23:21:24 GMT 7
Post by subzero on Jul 25, 2006 23:21:24 GMT 7
spammin here all I can rooster this is kinda rad joke... please be aware The priest in a small Irish village kept hens in a shed behind the church, But one saturday night the c0ck went missing. The priest was aware that cockfighting took place in the village and so the next morning in church he asked the congregation : " Has anybody got a c0ck ? " All the men stood up. "No, no, said the priest. "Thats not what i meant. What i meant was has anybody seen a c0ck?" So all the women stood up. "No, no, said the priest. "Thats not what i meant said the priest. "What i mean is has anybody seen a c0ck that doesant belong to them? So half the women stood up. "No,no said the priest. "What i mean is has anybody seen my c0ck? " So all the nuns, three alter boys, two priests and a goat stood up. lol thinking Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?" Little Johnny:- "None Miss". Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?" Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away". Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking." Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?" Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then" Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?" Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one." Little Johnny:- "Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking." new technology... new answer A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male. moose hunting Two hunters from the Chicago area, hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six moose. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose. The two Chicago Hunters objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, The first Chicago Hunter asked the 2nd "Any idea where we are?" He replied, "Well, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." edit>> just wanna inform you guys that I've post another couple of joke on the previous page
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Jokes
Jul 26, 2006 19:37:53 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Jul 26, 2006 19:37:53 GMT 7
Not suprisingly, Ice did this in his exam once. -_-"
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Jokes
Jul 27, 2006 10:46:46 GMT 7
Post by subzero on Jul 27, 2006 10:46:46 GMT 7
hahaha... I thought the same.. n_n
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Jokes
Jul 27, 2006 21:47:34 GMT 7
Post by purepanda87 on Jul 27, 2006 21:47:34 GMT 7
doesnt get about da scenario joke...
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Jokes
Jul 27, 2006 21:59:43 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Jul 27, 2006 21:59:43 GMT 7
lol thats the problem with jokes.
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Jokes
Jul 27, 2006 23:11:37 GMT 7
Post by purepanda87 on Jul 27, 2006 23:11:37 GMT 7
no he said bout some underline then got da answer..dat part dont undrstnd...
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Jokes
Jul 28, 2006 12:19:15 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Jul 28, 2006 12:19:15 GMT 7
his on a merry go round (?) =|
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Jokes
Jul 28, 2006 19:10:20 GMT 7
Post by subzero on Jul 28, 2006 19:10:20 GMT 7
max... spoiler...
panda... just hightlight between the line to see the answer...
also I've edit the answer to black
n_n
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Jokes
Jul 30, 2006 0:41:04 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Jul 30, 2006 0:41:04 GMT 7
no, Im sure hes seen the answer. =P
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Jokes
Aug 6, 2006 7:41:43 GMT 7
Post by purepanda87 on Aug 6, 2006 7:41:43 GMT 7
yup3..misread dat~..lol
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2006 1:25:51 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:25:51 GMT 7
Ahh.. It's time for me to work my magic again starting with this thread =D Aight more jokes
How a deal is done, selling short
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son. Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son : "I will choose my own bride!" Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates. Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank. Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!" Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case..."
This is how business is done!!
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2006 1:27:18 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:27:18 GMT 7
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right? The owner said it was $250. "$250", the man said. "Well what does he do?" He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost. The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot. The clerk replied, "$1,00 00." Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,0000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was. The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him " BOSS"!!
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2006 1:29:28 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:29:28 GMT 7
WORLD CUP QUOTES
"He doesn't give it up, even when he is knocked over by a 6ft geyser." Ian Wright on Saviola's determination to get the cross in for the third goal, despite the attentions of a giant natural phenomenon.
"If that was Brazil, they'd be saying that was the best golfer ever." Wright on the Argentina wonder goal that just eclipsed Geoff Ogilvy's efforts.
"This is basic stuff, the defendant should be pushing the midfield." Gary Lineker reflects on England's criminal performance against Trinidad.
"There is a big distance between the space and the Doug." Leonardo's analysis on the England-Trinidad game - so how exactly did Doug Ellis get involved?
Serbia & Montenegro just got whipped and spanked - S&M. Wright gives his summing up of the Argentina game.
"I'm not going to say much because it will be front-page news and I will be the worst guy in the world. I'm not as politically correct as Figo." Luiz Felipe Scolari after Portugal faced criticism following their 1-0 win over Angola.
"A miracle to be here?, No, we just came by plane." Trinidad and Tobago Coach Leo Beenhakker.
"It was a worry to pick up a booking, but I'm not going to change my game, although I may have to adapt it a bit." Robo-Crouch, who's clearly not been programmed with a decent thesaurus.
"Football is not played on paper, it is played on a pitch. This game is not mathematics and in football, two plus two very rarely equals four - it's usually three or five." Trinidad & Tobago coach Leo Beenhakker.
Reporter: Have you ever seen any player like that? (referring to Peter Crouch). Roque Santa Cruz: "Yes, in the NBA."
"It was really difficult for us playing in the midday sun with that three o'clock kick-off." David Beckham interviewed on BBC1. Another Beckham’s intelligence.
"I was supposed to be getting married today, but I was dumped. I was distraught but now I am looking forward to the game." Liam Fox, a 27-year old England fan from Leeds who had a ticket for the Trinidad & Tobago match.
"If they make noise or cheer as they watch, they will lose their monkhoods." Phnom Penh leader Non Nget warns Buddhist monks in Cambodia not to get too excited when watching the World Cup.
"Guus Hiddink is lucky. He has a horseshoe as big as my house." Holland's Ruud Gullit on his fellow countryman, who managed Australia to a thrilling comeback against Japan.
"Joanne Beckham is one of the first on the Majorca beaches who would be drinking sangria out of buckets." Extract from an article in German tabloid Bild about David Beckham and the rest of his family. And that was one of the nicer things they said.
"I would choose David Beckham for Mr World. He has everything – pretty, the figure, the looks, the hair, everything - he's metrosexual." Miss World, Iceland's Unnar Birna Vilhjalmsdottir - at least somebody loves him.
"We can barely sleep because of the croaking. We are going to hunt them." Ukraine defender Vladislav Vashchuk has a novel excuse for the 4-0 hammering by Spain - mating frogs near the team hotel keeping the squad awake.
"I hope England are on the first plane back from Deutchsland. I'm from the People's Republic of Mancunia. I'll have to leave if they win it. The country will be full of cockneys going on about it for years." Primal Scream bass player Mani.
"England's like an old girlfriend. No split loyalties. What kind of parents would we be?" Trinidad & Tobago midfielder Chris Birchall's father, Phil, on Five Live.
"I thought at the time it was a beautiful goal, now I want to go and watch it on the TV to see how magical it really was." Argentina striker Hernan Crespo is modesty personified about his team's 24-pass wonder-goal against Serbia & Montenegro. Fair enough, really.
"It's boiling hot here in Munich. We're sat in a stadium that looks more like a spaceship - we're expecting to take off at some point during the game." BBC Five Live Sport commentator Darren Fletcher before the Saudi Arabia-Tunisia game.
"When we're in a ground that looks like a spaceship, we shouldn't be surprised that it's a close encounter." BBC Five Live Sport commentator Darren Fletcher during the Saudi Arabia-Tunisia game.
"For some reason, Kasey Keller kept kicking the ball to them, Landon Donovan didn't show any aggressiveness and we got nothing at all from DaMarcus Beasley."
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Oct 30, 2006 1:30:03 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:30:03 GMT 7
XD
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2006 1:38:06 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:38:06 GMT 7
Executive Envelopes
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2006 1:42:26 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:42:26 GMT 7
How The Rich Get Richer
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer.
He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?'
The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2006 1:46:01 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:46:01 GMT 7
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted"WINE".The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"sh*t!!!!!!!........."
LESSON - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.*
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Oct 30, 2006 1:48:23 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:48:23 GMT 7
The Pope is to participate at a congress about religious matters in some bigger european city. in his private plane he arrives at the local airport and is awaited by a driver in what appears to be a mercedes with a big engine. never being allowed to drive in the vatikan, the pope sees his chance and asks the driver
"hello there... do you think it would be possible if i drive?"
the driver, in fear to lose his job, answers that such a thing is not possible. but the pope wont give up and finally offers the driver thousand euros. thinking of all the things he could by himself with that money, the driver finally agrees and the pope seats himself behind the steering wheel, the driver to his right.
as a racing sports fan, the pope wants to know what the car can do, so he starts accelerating... 80,100,120,140... soon the pope is racing through the city like a madman, smiling like a happy child and having the time of his life. This is when the police appears behind his car and signals him to stop the car. not wanting bad publicity, the pope does so and parks the car. the police officer steps out of his car, walks to the pope's car, takes one quick glance through the window and returns to his car, not saying a word. he grabs his radio and calls his captain
"captain, i have stopped a car driving 140 km/h in the city, but i think we shouldnt do anything, it appears to be an important person"
"i dont care how important he is, if he's driving 140 km/h in my city he goes to jail. who is it anyway, a celebrity?"
"no, much more important"
"hm, the mayor?"
"no, still much more important"
"is it the president?"
"no captain.. I... I belive it is god, sir"
"how comes it you think it is god in that car?!"
"well... he's got the pope as his driver"
XD XD XD XD
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Oct 30, 2006 1:49:08 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:49:08 GMT 7
Fred had been very religious and was in the hospital in a very ill condition. The family called their priest to stand with them. As the priest stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate suddenly and Fred motioned frantically for something to write on.
The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper. Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then he died. The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At Fred's funeral, as he was finishing the ceremony, the priest realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died.
He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He took the note from his pocket and read, "You are standing on my oxygen tube!"
lmao!
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2006 1:49:24 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:49:24 GMT 7
There was a guy who died and went to heaven. He noticed that heaven was full of clocks so he asked St. Peter, "what are the clocks for?" and St. Peter answered, "the clocks move everytime a person tells a lie."
So the guy looked around and noticed that George Bush's clock was missing.
"Where is the president's clock?" He asked.
St. Peter replied, "It's in hell. Satan's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Oct 30, 2006 1:52:16 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:52:16 GMT 7
One day a man went jogging. In the middle of his jog, he suffered a horrible stomach ache. He needed to find a toilet badly, but there was none around. He opted for the last resort, that was, doing it behind some bushes. He found this secluded bush somewhere but noticed a "no sh*ting" sign there. Since it was a desperate emergency, he didn't care.
When he was done with his "business", he hear a police siren coming closer. He started to panic. He didn't want to be caught breaking the law, so he quickly covered his poop with his cap. The policeman saw him and went to question him about what on earth could he be doing in the bushes. The policeman noticed the hat and asked him what was under it. The man nervously thought of an answer and replied "its a rare bird that I caught. Can you look after it for me? I am going to get a cage at the pet store". The policeman, believing him, let him go.
A few hours passed and the policeman still stood there waiting (obviously the man had ran away). The policeman wondered what kind of bird was under that cap. He bent down and thought "Let me see whats under here... But incase it flies away once I open the cap, I better catch it as I open the cap"
He lifted the cap and quickly brought his hand down on the "bird"
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Oct 30, 2006 1:55:04 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:55:04 GMT 7
Harold wanted to commit suicide, so he decided to try and do it the quickest way possible, by jumping off a tall cliff. So he ran up and jumped. However, only 15 feet below, he landed on some trees jutting out the edge and suddenly clung onto them for dear life. Then he realized again he's trying to commit suicide and let go of the trees and fell 100 feet to his doom. Unfortunately, his doom was a large soft puddle of mud, and that stopped him there. He waded out to try and aim for another spot jumping the cliff when he ran into an exiled murderer. "Freeze!" said the murderer. Harold moved in an effort to get shot, and the murderer said "Don't make me shoot you!" Harold tried everything he could to provoke the murderer to shoot him, including grabbing the gun and trying to put up a fake fight. Unfortunately, when he accidentally wrenched the gun out completely, the murderer got scared and fainted. Harold shot himself. One problem- the gun wasn't loaded. So he dropped the gun and headed for the closest road and jumped out in front of the first car. That car, incidentally, was the Uberjeep, a new car that could raise on wheels, and the driver did so, leaving Harold under the car and not being hit or run over. Just then, there was an auto crash, and the road was sealed off wihle firefighters rushed onto the scene. So Harold had to find another way to kill himself. He went home and found the last remaining kitchen knife, but it broke upon impact. Then he went to the medicine cabinet and looked for the most dangerous pills and ate them all. He started to feel nauseated and thought to himself, "finally it's working..." Unfortunately, he threw up all the pills. So Harold took a rope and went to the cliff to jump off again, and he aimed for the hardest rock below lest the rope slip. It sure did, but the firefighters nearby working with the car crash brought over a big trampoline and saved Harold, who was now pissed. Of course, he bounced off the trampoline and tried to land on his neck....in that mud again. This time an alligator was sitting around, eyes hungry with delight. The alligator sprung on the large nearby turtle, ignoring Harold completely. Harold got out of the mudhole and stood looking around, reflecting on his horrible suicide-gone-wrong attempts. Then he had a heart attack and died.
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2006 1:59:00 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 1:59:00 GMT 7
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away…
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. Then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder. He sells the rights to all 7 cows’ milk back to the listed company, and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.
NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
SINGAPOREAN CIVIL SERVICE You have two cows. You scold each one everyday before and after milking. You teach one of them to scol the other. You instruct them to moo only on command.
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
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Oct 30, 2006 2:02:30 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 2:02:30 GMT 7
HEALTH QUESTION &ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride".
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Oct 30, 2006 2:06:55 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Oct 30, 2006 2:06:55 GMT 7
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the car impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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