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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:28:59 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:28:59 GMT 7
haha..I finally decide to open this thread. Feel free to post in jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Real Ball Buster "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "sh*t! THAT'S the word!”
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:29:42 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:29:42 GMT 7
lol.. watch it again.. and again.. and again.
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:30:03 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:30:03 GMT 7
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:30:50 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:30:50 GMT 7
haha.. this is whacked.
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:31:48 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:31:48 GMT 7
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.
In the mean time: In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:32:22 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:32:22 GMT 7
A: Would you remember me tommorow? B: Yes. A: Would you remember me next week? B: Definitely. A: Would you remember me next month? B: Of course! A: Would you remember me next year? B: Sure. A: Knock knock. B: Who's there? A: It's not even a day yet, and you've forgotten me! XD
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:35:59 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:35:59 GMT 7
was he wrong.. XD
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:36:39 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:36:39 GMT 7
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:37:11 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:37:11 GMT 7
He thought he could rule them all..
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:38:42 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:38:42 GMT 7
N00b talk!
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:42:19 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:42:19 GMT 7
KALAU ADA EMAIL
Seorang wanita memohon jawatan tukang sapu di Microsoft. Pegawai disitu telah mengadakan temuduga dan meminta wanita itu menunjukkan caranya membersih lantai.. Lalu dia mengatakan "Anda diterima bekerja... berikan email anda, kami akan mengirim maklumat yang diperlukan."
Wanita itu menyatakan yang dia tidak memiliki komputer dan juga email. Penemuduga terus mengatakan bahawa tanpa email .. wanita itu tidak boleh diambil sebagai pekerja.. Wanita itu menerima keputusan itu dengan rasa kecewa dan hanya memiliki USD 10. lalu dia pergi ke Supermarket terdekat dan membeli 10 kg sayur... Lalu dijualnya sayur tersebut dari pintu ke pintu dan habis dalam masa 2 jam saja...
Dia mendapat untung sekali ganda.. Lalu diulanginya kerja tersebut dan menjadikannya sebagai pekerjaan tetapnya.. Setelah beberapa waktu.. dia mampu membeli Lamborghini dan mengembangkan perniagaannya dengan membuka beberapa supermarket di US...
Suatu hari.. dia terlintas untuk mengambil insuran untuk diri dan keluarganya... Dipanggilnya penjual insuran datang kepejabatnya.... Setelah bersetuju... Penjual insuran berkata..
"Minta email Puan..."
"Oh.. maaf saya tidak ada komputer dan email" jawab wanita itu
Penjual Insuran terkejut dan berkata "Aneh.. Puan mempunyai perniagaan yang besar, tapi tidak mempunyai komputer dan email. Bayangkan apa yang Puan boleh lakukan jika Puan memiliki komputer dan email."
Wanita itu menjawab: "Jadi tukang Sapu di Microsoft"
BAYI NENEK
Seorang nenek berusia 65 tahun melahirkan seorang anak. Rakan2nya datang berkunjung untuk menjenguknya.
Ketika mereka ingin melihat bayi nenek tersebut.. nenek itu berkata "Nanti dulu".
Beberapa minit kemudian mereka berkata ingin melihat bayi itu lagi.
Tetapi nenek itu tetap berkata "Nanti dulu".
Akhirnya mereka bertanya : "Bila kami boleh melihat bayi engkau..?"
"Bila dia menangis".
"Kenapa kami harus tunggu sampai dia menangis?"
"Sebabnya aku dah lupa mana aku letak bayiku tadi..".
IKLAN KERJA
Di sebuah surat kabar terdapat iklan kerja kosong yang tertulis seperti berikut :
Peluang Pekerjaan.. - Anda lulusan Universiti / Kolej? - Anda punya Kemahiran? - Pernah mengikuti kursus komputer? - Mahir berbahasa Ingeris? - Tapi Masih menggangur? CARI LA KERJA! KESIAN...
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:43:15 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:43:15 GMT 7
DIET
Doktor menyuruh seorang lelaki yang sangat gemuk untuk melakukan diet. Doktor berkata kepadanya...
"Anda mesti memakan sedikit roti panggang... sebiji buah-buahan dan segelas air kosong..."
Lelaki menjawab... "Baik lah doktor... jadi... Itu semua harus saya makan sebelum atau sesudah makan, Doktor?"
PANADOL
Bidin melihat rakannya, Wafdi.. sedang membuat kopi... kemudian memasukkan sebutir ubat panadol ke dalamnya. Dengan kehairanan Bidin bertanya kepada Wafdi...
Bidin : " Kenapa masukkan panadol dalam kopi tu?".
Wafdi : " Kopi ni panas.. bagi panadol.. kurang sikit panas dia..".
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:45:49 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:45:49 GMT 7
Bapa
Man: Bapa aku hebat. Dia polis. Semua orang takut ngan dia.
Ali: Eleh, bapa aku lagi terer. Kalau dia suruh orang tunduk, mesti orang tu tunduk.
Man: Wow! Bapa kau keja apa?
Ali: Tukang gunting rambut.
B.I.
Ayah: Apasal B.I. kamu nie asyik dapat kosong jer...! Apasal hah?
Anak: Eh, ayah! Tu bukan kosong. Tadi cikgu adik dah kasi bintang banyak kat bebudak lain. Ada dapat 5 bintang la, 4 bintang la. Bila turn adik jer, bintang dah abis. Sebab tu cikgu bagi kat adik bulan.
Sudu
Doktor: Encik kena ambil 3 sudu ubat ni setiap hari.
Pesakit: Eh! tak boleh la doktor.
Doktor: Kenapa?
Pesakit: Rumah saya ada dua sudu jer.
Mayat
Cikgu: Hasan,sambungkan 2 ayat ini menjadi satu. 'Ali menaiki basikal ke sekolah. Ali ternampak mayat.'
Hasan: Ali ternampak mayat menaiki basikal ke sekolah.
Tiru
Cikgu:Encik,anak awak didapati meniru Ali dalam exam.
Bapa:Apa bukti awak?
Cikgu:Encik tengok soalan nombor 4 nie. Siapakah menemui Pulau Pinang? Seman tulis "Saya tak tahu"dan anak encik tulis "Kalau engkau tak tahu, aku lagi la tak tahu".
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:46:24 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:46:24 GMT 7
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You !@#$%^&! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"
The husband sighed. "Oh crap, it's started..."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:48:19 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:48:19 GMT 7
A zoo keeper was running out of money and if he didn't do something fast, he'd have to close down the zoo. So he thought of running a competition to earn money. Whoever could make the most ferocious lion jump would win RM1000. The entry fee was RM50. So with this competition, many people participated and he received a lot of money because no one could make the lion jump.
One day, this old man with a towel shows up and agrees to join in the competition. He pays the zoo keeper and walks up to the lion. He took his towel and gave the lion's nuts a good smack! The lion jumped and the old man won RM1000.
So the zoo keeper was again having money problems. He changed the rules of the competition this time, people had to make the lion shake his head instead of jumping to win RM1000. And with this, many people participated and all failed, thus increasing the zoo keeper's money.
Again, this old man shows up and pays the zoo keeper (who is starting to panic). The old one walks up to the lion and asks:
"Do you remember me?" The lion nodded "Do you want me to do the same thing I did last time?" The lion shook his head.
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:48:52 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:48:52 GMT 7
lol!!
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:49:48 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:49:48 GMT 7
30 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to- face.
8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away.
10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
12. You have met over 100 AOLers.
13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.
17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses.
18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".
23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
25. Your dog leaves you.
26. You have to ask what year it is.
27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta go bbl!"
28. You name your pets after people you talk to.
29. You smile sideways...
30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:52:42 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:52:42 GMT 7
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park,they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each." So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff, and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:53:14 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:53:14 GMT 7
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
heh.. never assume ur boss knows everything
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 20:54:10 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 20:54:10 GMT 7
Sunday's sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked. "I don't have any." She replied. smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-Eight." She replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the b*tchs."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:01:41 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:01:41 GMT 7
LOVELY NAMES
A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names." The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:03:02 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:03:02 GMT 7
Reason why never visit a 5 Star Hotel !!
Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:09:57 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:09:57 GMT 7
how its done in the old days.
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:10:31 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:10:31 GMT 7
A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.
THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD" WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:
DEAR DAD,
IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.
I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE WINTER.
SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.
BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED.
IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO THAT BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!
DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
YOUR SON, JOHN
P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.
I LOVE YOU!
PS:CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:11:47 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:11:47 GMT 7
Its in BM
Ini adalah sebuah kisah mengenai Word Perfect Helpline (bantuan > berkenaan Word Perfect melalui telefon). Seorang pekerja di helpline ini telah diberhentikan. Walau bagaimanapun, pekerja ini telah menyaman Word Perfect atas dakwaan "Memecat Tanpa Sebab". Inilah perbualan telefon pekerja berkenaan yang menyebabkan beliau dipecat:
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; boleh saya bantu anda?" "Ya, err, Saya ada masalah dengan Word Perfect." "Masalah bagaimana tu encik?" "Saya sedang menaip, tiba-tiba semua perkataan tersebut hilang." "Hilang?" "Ya, ia hilang." "Hmm. Macam mana monitor anda kelihatan sekarang?" "Kosong, tak ada apa-apa." "Tak ada apa-apa?" "Blank, ia tak respon apa-apa bila saya menaip." "Adakah anda masih didalam WordPerfect, atau anda telah keluar?" "Macam mana saya nak tau?" "Bolehkah anda nampak C: prompt pada skrin anda?" "Apa tu si-perom?" "Tak apalah, boleh tak anda gerak-gerakkan mouse anda di skrin?" "Cursor pun tak ada: kan saya dah kata ianya tak memberi sebarang respon bila saya taip." "Adakah monitor anda ada power indicator?" "Monitor tu apa?" "Ianya adalah sebuah alat yang ada skrin padanya dan ianya berbentuk seperti TV." "Adakah ianya mempunyai lampu kecil yang menyala bila monitor anda dihidupkan?" "Saya tak tahu." "OK, kalau begitu cuba lihat di belakang monitor anda dan cuba cari socket dimana wayar power anda di pasangkan. Boleh nampak tak?" "Rasa-rasanya." "Bagus. Ikut wayar tersebut hingga ke plug, dan adakah ianya dipasangkan pada soket elektrik di dinding anda." "Yaa, terpasang." "Masa anda lihat di belakang monitor tadi, perasankah anda ada dua wayar terpasang di belakang monitor anda, bukannya satu?" "Iya ke?." "Sebenarnya ada dua. Sekarang saya nak anda pergi balik ke belakang monitor anda dan cari satu lagi wayar tersebut" "Okay, jumpa dah." "Cuba ikut wayar tersebut dan beritahu saya samada ianya terpasang dengan ketat di belakang computer anda." "Alamak tak sampai laa." "Ok... boleh cuba jenguk-jenguk samada ianya terpasang atau tidak?" "Tak boleh." "Tak boleh juga ke jika anda cuba panjat apa-apa seperti kerusi dan tengok kat belakang tu?" "Oh, saya tak nampak bukannya sebab angle tak betul, tapi pasal gelap." "Gelap?" "Ya. Lampu pejabat ni terpadam dan satu-satunya sumber cahaya yang saya ada adalah dari cahaya tingkap." "OK, kalau macam tu hidupkanlah lampu pejabat anda." "Tak boleh." "Tak boleh? Kenapa?" "Sebab kat pejabat saya "blackout", tak ada elektrik." "Blackout... tak ada elektrik? Aha, Okay, kita dah dapat penyelesaiannya sekarang. Anda masih mempunyai kotak, manual dan barang-barang pembungkusan semasa komputer ini dihantar?" "Ada... saya simpan kat dalam almari." "Bagus. pergi ambil barang-barang tersebut dan unplug komputer anda. Kemudian bungkuskan sepertimana masa ianya baru-baru sampai dulu. Hantar balik ke kedai dimana anda beli dulu." "Ehh? Ye ke? Macam tu sekali punya teruk ke?" "Iya, rasa-rasanya macam itulah." "Err... okey lah. Nampaknya saya kena buat macam tu lah. Tapi nak cakap apa dengan pekedai tu?" "Beritahu mereka anda terlalu bangang untuk memiliki sebuah komputer."
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