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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:12:49 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:12:49 GMT 7
SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Malaysian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Malaysian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology."
Proud to be a Malaysian , Malaysia Boleh !
XD
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:13:56 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:13:56 GMT 7
A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it.
Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching everywhere for the them but in vain.
At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly". So in this way, their love won and they returned homes.
The couple went to town to shop for a wedding dress for the bride. The guy was wearing a white shirt that day. Then as he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his fiancee, a car hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after some time that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cementation was held on the very next day because he had died horribly.
Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady told her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream.
The next night her father had the same dream, he, too, ignored it. Then when the girl had the dream the following night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother adviced her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately. She did as she was told, but to no avail. The next night she again had the same dream. She washed again... but some still remained. And on the 3rd night, she had the exact same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain away, or else something terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains. She used all her might to scrub...and the dress nearly tore, but patches of stubborn stains still remained! By late evening the same day, tired and all alone at home, the girl heard a knock on the door. When she opened the door, she saw the same old lady in her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.
The old lady woke her up and gave her a blue object. Still in shock, the girl asked, "What is this..? " The old lady replied... "Try Dynamo Liquid Soap... just a dab and it will remove all stubborn stains!!!"
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:21:38 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:21:38 GMT 7
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she s a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says. "Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
...."The airbag.".... Never underestimate how a woman thinks. OR Women CANT drive.
XD
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:27:22 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:27:22 GMT 7
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:28:54 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:28:54 GMT 7
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!!
Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!"
The wife stared at him. "What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:29:35 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:29:35 GMT 7
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:32:35 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:32:35 GMT 7
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:
BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest. BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever. BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you! GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you! GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea. WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter? PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:33:08 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:33:08 GMT 7
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?" Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?" Pupil : "The moon". Teacher : "Why?" Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?" Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !" Sam : "It's a family tradition". Teacher : "What do you mean?" Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher". Teacher : "What about your mother?" Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?" David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?" Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?" One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:35:58 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:35:58 GMT 7
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:38:18 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:38:18 GMT 7
13 or 12??
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:40:49 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:40:49 GMT 7
"Kind Lawyer....." ============= One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!"
Lesson : Don't trust kind lawyers
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:41:27 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:41:27 GMT 7
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:42:56 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:42:56 GMT 7
AH BENG the Crazy Singaporean. Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends? Because below 18 not allowed Lah ! -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop. > Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?" > Salesgirl : "Yes !" > Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please " > -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job. > He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, > Address etc. > Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure > of the question. > After much thought, he writes " Yes " > -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object. > Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?" > Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask." > Ah Beng : "What does it do ?" > Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" > Ah Beng : "I'll buy it" > The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask > Boss : "What is that shiny object ?" > Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask." > Boss : "What does it do ?" > Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" > Boss : "What do you have in it !?" > Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream" > -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares > it with the original for spelling mistakes. > -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks > his picture is being taken. > -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > Why can't Ah Beng dial 911? > Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone. > -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it. > When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' > command after some tries. > Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer > retailer for support. > Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been > over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!" > -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. > The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he > answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but > instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it > to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. > what happened to the other ear ?" > Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!" > -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator. > Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei > AND LAS VEGAS ?" > Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..." > Ah Beng : "THANK YOU lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE. > -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for > quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a > friend. > "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags. > "FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims. > "YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN > FOR 4-7 YRS". > -------? ? ? ? ? ?------- > > At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, > "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" > and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE". > The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?" > Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:43:43 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:43:43 GMT 7
A man comes up at the US-Mexico border on a bicycle carrying a huge bag. The border patrol is extremely suspicious and checks the bag, only to find nothing but sand. The next day, the bicyclist does the exact same thing, crossing the border with a bag full of sand. This repeats for several years.
One day the bicyclist stops coming, and the border officer sees him a few weeks later at the bar. "Hey," the officer says, "I haven't seen you in awhile." They begin to chat for awhile, until the officer finally decides to ask a question. "I know you were smuggling something. Just between the both of us, what was it?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Oh, bicycles!"
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:44:47 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:44:47 GMT 7
Ever wondered how hard it is to get a job now?
A UM graduate found himself difficult to get a job here. He finally accepted the offer to work with Taiping Zoo. "What to do? It's better to work like this than earning nothing...", mumbling to himself. So since that day, the IT grad started work acting as a monkey. He has to wear monkey suit and mask, chew nuts and eat bananas. He has to climb trees too and jump from one to another to attract visitors. The zoo has since then enjoyed tremendous business due to the increase in visitors. Even Mahathir wanted to see the super 'smart' monkey in the world.Unfortunately, one day when he was jumping from the trees, he fell down into a crocodile pool! "Oh my God...I'm dying...now" he thought, as a hungry looking crocodile swam steadily towards his direction. In the middle of his struggle, suddenly he heard a soft voice, "Don't be afraid my friend... I'm from UKM".
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:45:43 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:45:43 GMT 7
A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."
3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:51:32 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:51:32 GMT 7
Too Many Kids
One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.
After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"
"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.
"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"
"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."
About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"
"I'm right year Doc," he said.
"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"
"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."
A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"
"Right here docta," he said.
"Wonderful news! It's-"
"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:52:19 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:52:19 GMT 7
Money Tricks
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem : a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" & a bucket at his feet full of change.
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:54:21 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:54:21 GMT 7
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
stupid ^^;;
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:56:14 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:56:14 GMT 7
A couple had been married for 25 years and each celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 21:57:45 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 21:57:45 GMT 7
Lee Sum Wan: Hello can i speak to Annie Wan
> > Mr Sori: Yes u could speak to me. > > > > Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan! > > > > Mr Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this? > > > > Lee Sum Wan: I'm Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent. > > > > Mr Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats > > this urgent matter about? > > > > Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe > > Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is > > being > > sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital. > > > > Mr Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital > > from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this > > hilarious but i dont have time for this!!! > > > > Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you? > > > > Mr Sori: I'm Sori. > > > > Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name! > > > > Mr Sori: I'm Sori !! > > > > Lee Sum Wan: I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me > > your name! > > > > Mr Sori: Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori !! I'm SORI! > > you didnt even give me your name! > > > > Lee Sum Wan: I told u before i'm Sum Wan ! Sum Wan !!! You better be > > careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position > > in the company. He is Noe Buddy. > > > > Mr Sori: Oh im so scared(sarcastically).Look i dont care about ur uncle > > he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important > > position in the company. > > > > Lee Sum Wan: No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy > > doesn't work there. > > > > Mr Sori: Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws everybody > > and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!! > > > > Lee Sum Wan: Which Wan(don't have any idea on how to alternatively spell > > the name)is my sis! > > > > Mr. Sori: I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think > > i do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll > > broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and > > said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to > > worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But > > everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody > > but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. And its not true about her aunt > > screwing everybody because i havent screw her yet."how bout that!? > > Toot....Toot....Toot.................
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 22:02:52 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 22:02:52 GMT 7
one day 3 guys went to the gates of st.petersburg.There they met wif satan. satan said "Heaven is quite full so i'll let u go if u can answer this question" and he picked the first guy "who is the 1st president of singapore?" asked satan, "lee kwan yew" said the first guy and the gates of heaven opened. the first guy later feeling bad to not help his 2 oder frens gave them some help. he told the 2 guys that he wrote the answer of satan's question in his underwear. so before he went to heaven he gave his underwear to the 2nd guy. as satan called the 2nd guy up, he asked "who is the 1st president of singapore?" the 2nd guy stretched his underwear and said "lee kwan yew". the gates of heaven opened for him. the 2nd guy then told the 3rd guy bout the underwear and gave him his underwear. as satan called the 3rd guy he asked "who is the 1st president of singapore?" the 3rd guy replied "Calvin Klein"
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 22:03:32 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 22:03:32 GMT 7
Joke 1 TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"? JOHN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
Joke 2 TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH : "HIJKLMNO"!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Joke 3 TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE : Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS : George!
Joke 4 TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLY : Me!
Joke 5 TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
Joke 6 TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Joke 7 SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Joke 8 TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
Joke 9 TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? JOSE : Don't bite any.
Joke 10 TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN : I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am." ELLEN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Joke 11 MOTHER: Why did you swallow the money I gave you? JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
Joke 12 TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other what would I have? CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 22:04:29 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 22:04:29 GMT 7
Doctor Terminology! What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. --or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 22:20:29 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 22:20:29 GMT 7
Three men, englishman, an irishman and a scotsman, walk into a pub. The bartender goes...."What is this!? Some kind of joke!?"
lol this is hard to understand if you dunno all the other englishmen, irishman and scotman jokes.
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