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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 22:22:24 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 22:22:24 GMT 7
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 22:28:12 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 22:28:12 GMT 7
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs.. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out....heaven knows where to.... More Stress!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"
And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 22:28:31 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 22:28:31 GMT 7
Who's smarter....? ============
Four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The Dean was a just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days.
After 3 days they said they were ready. On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days. The test consisted of two question with a total marks of 100.
Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)
Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 22:34:28 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 22:34:28 GMT 7
The Typical China-Man ===============
There was once an Chinese man called Ah Beng who was involved in a terrible car accident. In the hospital, when he gained his consciousness, he called out for the nurse to know what had happened to him.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but you had involved in a very bad car crash". "Car crash! Tiu!! My Marcelly (aka Mercedes ) ! My Marcelly! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically. "Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries. You've lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it", she said apologetically.
"I lost my arm? My Rolex! My Rolex piu leh!" "Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition and all your family are here to see you".
He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them.
"Wife, are you here?" "I am here husband, and I will never leave you" "Son, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you" "Daughter, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Well," said Ah Beng thoughtfully, "if all of you are here, WHO THE HELL IS LOOKING AFTER THE SHOP?!!! T**I**U N**I**A SENG!!!"
no offense aight chinese
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 22:35:04 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 22:35:04 GMT 7
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 22:38:17 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 22:38:17 GMT 7
BinLaden9151: hello?? XprezbushX: who is this!!!!!!!! a/s/l BinLaden9151: osama XprezbushX: thats a funny name BinLaden9151: at least its not bush lol XprezbushX:shut up BinLaden9151: did u get my message XprezbushX: whut message BinLaden9151: u know, my message BinLaden9151: it wuz delivered by airmail BinLaden9151: right into ur trade towers XprezbushX: shut up that wasnt funny!!!! BinLaden9151: lol XprezbushX: SHUT UP!!!! :X BinLaden9151: r u mad XprezbushX: yah BinLaden9151: why XprezbushX: bcoz u messed with my country duhzz BinLaden9151: well well well.now u know how i feel XprezbushX:whut do u mean BinLaden9151:other countries and forces hurt my people all the time XprezbushX: hello!!! whut duz that have 2 do with us !?!?!?! BinLaden9151: like u give guns and $$ 2 a lot of those people XprezbushX: oic ^^ so ? BinLaden9151: i love my people like brothers and ur military is all up in our holy land!!! BinLaden9151: its pissing us off XprezbushX: whatever dude XprezbushX: is that all BinLaden9151: no BinLaden9151: imperialistic american globalization is a raging torrent thats going to wash away our borders, our cultures and our identities XprezbushX: wut u mean ...... BinLaden9151: im afraid that tomorrow im going to wake up and see a mcdonalds next to my mosque BinLaden9151:and ur troops will be like, relax yall, just have a happy meal!! XprezbushX: so whut r u wearing BinLaden9151: XprezbushX: sorry wrong window lol BinLaden9151: lol XprezbushX: ok so whut were u saying BinLaden9151: like BinLaden9151: basically BinLaden9151: a lot of all the jets and tanks and gunships that terrorize us might as well be painted red, white and blue XprezbushX:a/s/l BinLaden9151: XprezbushX: sorry wrong window again XprezbushX: hello r u there BinLaden9151: YESS!! XprezbushX: u started all this anyway BinLaden9151: did not! XprezbushX: u did too! BinLaden9151: u started it!! XprezbushX: lalalala XprezbushX:i cant hear u BinLaden9151: i will make ur life a living hell XprezbushX: haha ur acting like a 13 year old girl who just got her phone taken away BinLaden9151:shut up BinLaden9151:ur immature XprezbushX: relax, have a happy meal lol BinLaden9151: ARRRGGHHHHHHHHHH be sure to add them on ur YM
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2006 23:03:18 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 29, 2006 23:03:18 GMT 7
All right.. thats 3 pages
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Yuri
Meta Typer
Treacherous
Come close to taste some fresh lips...
Posts: 936
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Jokes
Mar 30, 2006 7:35:22 GMT 7
Post by Yuri on Mar 30, 2006 7:35:22 GMT 7
>> Tiger Wood << On a business trip to India, a black American executive took sometime off to play golf. He was playing particurlaly well when he noticed a group of locals watching him. They were jumping up and down and yelling "Tiger Woods!". Taking this as a compliment to his golfing skills he turned and bowed ostentatiously in their action. It was at this point that a tiger came out of the woods and ate him ;D.... p/s: haha max that good, *laughing* p/s2: I think everyone should try on this jokes section ;p p/s3: hahah dont know is it a joke or not, just try my luck
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<Bax>
Dream Catcher
Ice
40%
Kamal you fool! Our tents been stolen!
Posts: 1,717
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Jokes
Mar 30, 2006 12:47:45 GMT 7
Post by <Bax> on Mar 30, 2006 12:47:45 GMT 7
FIRST ISNT ALWAYS BEST
Three guys taking a walk in the park when they found a genie lamp,they curiously rubbed it and a genie came out.
"Theres three of you so I could only grant 1 wish each"
"Me first!Me first!,I want to be in the Bahamas,relaxing with my whole family for eternity,without a care in the world" said the first guy
Poof!He's gone!
"Im next,I want to be relaxing on my own private beach,behind my huge mansion,and a lot of money"
poof!He's gone
"Now its your turn,what would you want?" the genie said to the third guy
"I want those two back in the office before 2 o'clock"
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Jokes
Mar 30, 2006 17:25:10 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Mar 30, 2006 17:25:10 GMT 7
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park,they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each." So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. Pffffff, and he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and thingytails. "Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm" lol ice... similar jokes
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Jokes
Apr 3, 2006 18:19:17 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Apr 3, 2006 18:19:17 GMT 7
Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? Costello: Thanks, I’m setting up an office in my den, and I’m thinking about buying a computer. Abbott: Mac? Costello: No, the name’s Lou. Abbott: Your computer? Costello: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one. Abbott: Mac? Costello: I told you, my name’s Lou! Abbott: What about Windows? Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows? Costello: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows? Abbott: Wallpaper. Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. Abbott: Software for Windows? Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? Abbott: Office. Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? Abbott: I just did. Costello: You just did what? Abbott: Recommend something. Costello: You recommending something? Abbott: Yes. Costello: For my office? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? Abbott: Office. Costello: Yes, for my office! Abbott: I recommended Office with Windows. Costello: I already have an office and it has windows! Okay, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? Abbott: Word. Costello: What word? Abbott: Word in Office. Costello: The only word in office is office. Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows. Costello: Which word in office for windows? Abbott: The Word you get when you click on the blue “W”. Costello: I’m gonna click your blue W if you don’t start with some straight answers. Okay, forget that. Can I watch movies on the internet? Abbott: Yes, you want Real One. Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I want to watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! Abbott: Real One. Costello: If it’s a long movie I also want to see reel; 2,3& 4. Can I watch them? Abbott: Of course. Costello: Great, with what? Abbott: Real One. Costello: Okay, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? Abbott: You click the blue “1”. Costello: I click the blue one what? Abbott: The blue “1”. Costello: Is that different from the blue “W”. Abbott: The blue “1” is Real One and the blue “W” is Word. Costello: What word? Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows. Costello: But there are three words in “office for windows”! Abbott: No, just one, but it’s the most popular word in the world. Costello: It is? Abbott: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there. Costello: And that word is the real one? Abbott: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. Costello: Stop! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? DO you have anything I can track my money with? Abbott: Money. Costello: That’s right. What do you have? Abbott: Money. Costello: I need money to track my money? Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer. Costello: What's bundled with my computer? Abbott: Money. Costello: Money comes with my computer? Abbott: Yes. No extra charge. Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? Abbott: One copy. Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money? Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. Costello: They give you a license to copy money?
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Jokes
Apr 3, 2006 18:21:02 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Apr 3, 2006 18:21:02 GMT 7
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? STUDENT: Seven. TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday? STUDENT: Nine. TEACHER: That's impossible. STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today. ----------------------------------------------------
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum? BILLY : No, I'm Billy Anderson. ---------------------------------------------------- HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER : Of course not. HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework. ----------------------------------------------------
MOTHER : Why did you get such a low mark on that test? JUNIOR : Because of absence. MOTHER : You mean you were absent on the day of the test? JUNIOR : No, but the kid who sits next to me was. ----------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER : What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. ----------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feetTEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get? SASHA : A new bike. ----------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? VINCENT: One dollar. TEACHER: (sadly)You don't know your arithmetic. VINCENT: (sadly)You don't know my father
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BOY : Isn't the principal a dummy! GIRL: Say, do you know who I am? BOY : No. GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter. BOY : And do you know who I am? GIRL: No. BOY : Thank goodness!
----------------------------------------------------
Positive thinking is like this : A little bird in the sky, You look up and it poops in your eye, You don't mind and You dont cry, You just thank GOD that cows dont fly.
-----------------------------------------------------
and heres a riddle.
Try to solve this.... What is greater than GOD? ............. More evil than Devil? .......... The poor have ......... The rich need ........ And if you eat ....... you'll die.
answer the "....." with one word.
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Jokes
Apr 8, 2006 1:21:03 GMT 7
Post by purepanda87 on Apr 8, 2006 1:21:03 GMT 7
dunno...any1?
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Jokes
Apr 8, 2006 16:51:06 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Apr 8, 2006 16:51:06 GMT 7
huhu.. the answer is very simple. Just think. >=)
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2006 14:28:12 GMT 7
Post by purepanda87 on Apr 10, 2006 14:28:12 GMT 7
huhuhuh...nothing!!!...i was there when u r online n u ask da same ques n give answers....
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2006 14:36:21 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on Apr 10, 2006 14:36:21 GMT 7
haha.. lol ok. You got it
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Yuri
Meta Typer
Treacherous
Come close to taste some fresh lips...
Posts: 936
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Jokes
May 17, 2006 15:36:10 GMT 7
Post by Yuri on May 17, 2006 15:36:10 GMT 7
Max.. oi.. oi.. where is the newest joke.. I waiting like a stone here... Need more joke.. need more!! hehehe ;D
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Jokes
May 17, 2006 15:39:46 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on May 17, 2006 15:39:46 GMT 7
oh hell i totally forgot about this ^^;; thnx for reminding! I'll get new jokes now. ;D
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Jokes
May 17, 2006 15:50:09 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on May 17, 2006 15:50:09 GMT 7
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous replied.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
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Jokes
May 17, 2006 15:50:54 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on May 17, 2006 15:50:54 GMT 7
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? I got proof.
What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".
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Jokes
May 17, 2006 15:54:11 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on May 17, 2006 15:54:11 GMT 7
once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist and an engineer. for some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day. the day the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. as he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked "head up or head down?" "head up," said the doctor. "blind fold or no blindfold?" "no blindfold". so the executioner raised the axe and z-z-z-z-ing! down came the blade - and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. well, the law stated that if an execution didnt succeed the first time, the prisoner had to be released and, so the doctor was set free. then the chemist was led to the guillotine, "head up or head down?" said the executioner. "head up" "blind fold or no blindfold?" "no blindfold". so the executioner raised his axe and z-z-z-z-ing! down came the blade - and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. well, the law stated that if an execution didnt succeed the first time, the prisoner had to be released and, so the chemist was set free. finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "head up or head down?" "head up," "blind fold or no blindfold?" "no blindfold". so the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out: "WAIT! i see what the problem is!" rofl
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Jokes
May 17, 2006 15:55:59 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on May 17, 2006 15:55:59 GMT 7
Very fast one...
A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA, so he took a Proton taxi.
The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport. A Toyata Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan! Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom.
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport. Jap going to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM250/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge!!
Driver: No no.... look .... look .... meter!!....very good!!....very fast!.... Made in Japan!
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Jokes
May 17, 2006 15:57:13 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on May 17, 2006 15:57:13 GMT 7
Dear Manager (HR)
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be sent away as soon as possible.
Signed - Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
Dear Manager (HR), That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13) for my true assessment of him.
Signed - Project Leader
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Jokes
May 17, 2006 16:00:10 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on May 17, 2006 16:00:10 GMT 7
The Job Interview
A Newfie wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Newfie says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Newfie.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Newfie stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Newfie, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Newfie stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go, One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Newfie leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
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Jokes
May 17, 2006 16:01:36 GMT 7
Post by <Max> on May 17, 2006 16:01:36 GMT 7
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